Anyone that really knows me will know that I struggle with my body image. Over the last couple of years I’ve worked on increasing my fitness and self-esteem which has helped with my body image issues.
However, I seem to have hit a wall that I need to get passed so I can continue onto the next part of my journey.
My history with my weight
This all started at a young age so I have approximately 30 years of damage to un-do somehow. I grew up around women who were constantly on one diet or another, who were never happy with their own body or weight. It’s no surprise that I grew up with an unhealthy outlook on body image.
My weight went up and down by approximately 3 stone on a regular basis between the ages of 15 – 27. I would lose weight then think I could go back to eating ‘normally’ so the weight would just pile back on. Then I’d really beat myself up for it.
Again, I would lose weight and think I could eat ‘normally’ again and I’d beat myself up for putting the weight back on again. Lose weight… eat… beat self up… repeat.
A change is needed!
Finally at 27 years old I realised that something had to change if I wanted to keep the weight off. I still didn’t have the ‘perfect’ body and I wasn’t happy in my own skin as my yo-yo dieting had left its mark (stretch marks, un-toned areas and cellulite).
I decided to count calories in order to maintain my weight but all this did was make me miserable and hungry. When I was overweight I always assumed that being slim would automatically mean that I would be happy. Oh how wrong I was.
I ended up going into an 8 years unhealthy relationship which killed my self-esteem, made me feel totally inadequate and not worthy of real love. That’s why it took me so long to realise I was worth more than that and to finally get out of the relationship.
A few months after I left my ex-husband I decided to start running. I wanted to find a way to eat what I wanted without putting the weight back on and to get a bit fitter in the process. This helped but I was still a slave to the weighing scales and every time I put on a lb I would beat myself up until I lost it again.
Bye bye scales
Last summer I decided to put the scales away and I haven’t weighed myself since. This was actually pretty liberating but hasn’t stopped the way I see my body. Although I eat healthily most of the time and am fitter than I’ve ever been in my life, I still have a negative body image.
Even after I ran a marathon I still have the same thoughts and feelings about my body. My body got me through 26.2 miles but I still don’t love it. This is when I realised that I have to re-train my brain, I have to re-programme myself, I have to learn to love myself unconditionally otherwise I’ll continue on this cycle of self-criticism and self-judgement forever.
A few days ago I started reading a blog about how to go about this change and the writer said to focus on the things you like about your body instead of the things you don’t. Obviously I scoffed at this because it seemed so simple and ‘fluffy’ but her words stuck in my head.
The shock I needed
Today I decided to write a list of the things I don’t like about my body and another list of the things I do like about my body.
I fully expected for the first list to be much longer than the second so was gobsmacked to realise that I’d listed 9 things I don’t like and 18 things I do like. I like double the amount of things about my body than I don’t so why do I dislike my body still?
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m still trying to process it now.
I’ve also written a list of the things I could do to improve the things on my “don’t like” list and hopefully transfer them over to the “like” list one day, or at least become indifferent to them. I know some damage isn’t repairable and I have to find a way to get past it. I’m a work in progress.
Why I’m writing this blog post
I haven’t written this blog post because I’m looking for compliments or to be told that I’m fine just the way I am. Far from it – although I always smile and say thank you. Those comments tend to go in one ear and out the other as I find it hard to make them stick when I don’t see it for myself.
Writing this blog over the last 1 & 1/2 years has been therapeutic so I’m writing this post for me. Sometimes I just need to get things out of my head so that I can organise my thoughts and start to address them. This post has been a long time coming and I’ve always shied away from writing it as it was easier than facing this issue once and for all.
I’m also writing this for all the other people out there who are going through a similar thing, they need to know that they’re not alone. I hope it helps for them to know that someone else gets what they’re going through.
Featured image by Thought Catalog on Unsplash)
